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Wigan Humor

Many thanks to Dave Dutton for his kind permission to use
extracts from his books
Completely Lanky and Lanky Spoken Here.


On this page you will find
BASIC WIGAN TONGUE         WIGAN PUT DOWNS         EATING OUT IN WIGAN
WIGAN ROAD SIGNS         LETTERS TO A COUNCIL

 

BASIC WIGAN TONGUE

Aye = Yes

Now = No

Yah = Yes

Sithee = Behold

Eigh Up = Please move

Tha wa = Pardon

Speighk = Speak

Yonmon = Him

Chelp = Impertinence

Sex = Sacks

Lozz = Lie idly about

Varnyear = Nearly

Pots fer rags = Silly

Pow = Haircut

Sloppy daw daw = Childs term for mud

Wick = Week

Hawf- soaked = Slow witted

Kecks = Knickers

Clapowd = Old tight

Weigh! = Stop

Shittot = Great

Sowjer = Soldier

Wakesmon = Fairground worker

Yonzeez = That belongs to him

Interfow = Isn't she ugly

Mi gob tastes lahk thinside of a turkish wrestlers trunks
I have halitosis

Yon mon con whisper o'er three fields
He has a very load voice

This ale favvers cowd tay
This beer is not up to the mark

Er face'll stond cloggin.....er face ud frickun a police orse.....ers
as fow as a rat catchers bucket.
That lady is unprepossessing and is not gifted with good looks.

Thas usin too much of thi chelp, old cocker
You have too much to say for yourself

Art suppin bowt
Is your glass empty

He's peed aw is munny up waw
He has spent all his cash on alcohol

It favvers its gooint clod it deawn
There is a distinct possibility of rain

Ah'll porr thi yed in
I intend to cave in your cranium

Are thart quack
Are you a medical man

Ahm cowfin lahk a goodun
I can't seem to stop coughing

Ahm dubbult up wit ballywarch
I have abdominal pains

Dust = Do you

Ast = Have you

Art = Are you

Uz'll = We will

Worrell = What will

Them'll = They will

Owdonabit = Just one moment

Worrizit = What is it

Keck o'er = Topple over

Setdi = Saturday

Frikky = Scared

Pog = Steal

Spiggy = Spearmint

Ah seed it = I saw it

Wap one on = Put one on

Duck muck = Mucas in eye from sleeping

Ahmet = I might

O'erlied = Overslept

Nebbers = Peaked flat cap

Cozzies = Bathing costumes

Binmon = Refuse collector

Yed = Head

Yure = Your hair

Onds = Hands

Dust tha no tha favvuz thi fayther
You are aware you have a resemblance to your father

Dust tha want mit fotch thi a cheer
Would you like me to bring you a chair

There's moor meyt on Pigguts whip
Lester Piggot's whip seems to bear more weight and size than those attributed to you

Ast getten a shirt uzzle fit our lad
Have you a shirt to fit my son

There's moor work in a sick note
I feel your working contribution requires improving

Art brakinum in fer an orse
You do have large teeth

He's as fawce as a ferrit
He's cunning

Stop thi mankin abaht
Please refrain from your tomfoolery

Picture place is loosin
The cimama audience is departing

Ahm soggin wet throo
My clothes are drenched

He's playin im
He has absconded from work

Thart nowt burra pit prop
You have an extremely low IQ

Wheerst petty
Please direct me to the toilet

Ah bet thi teeths glad when thar asleep
You do talk a lot

 

A SELECTION OF WIGAN PUT DOWNS

Who knitted thi face an dropped a stitch
Your hardly Robert Redford are you

Worrart gooin't do fer a face when King Kong want's his arse back
Try going round with a bag over your head

There's no show wi'out Punch
This person likes being the centre of attention

It's a good job thi balls are in a bag
What a shocking memory you have Sir

Er's like Blackpool, everybody's bin there
She is very free with her favours

Th'art too slow ter catch a cowd (cold)
Do hurry up

Thaz a face lihk s line o wet washin
Stop sulking

Tha cawn't expect owt weer there is nowt
You are a brain short

Serves yer right fer playin Hide the Sausage
Cry in church to an exoectant bride

Ah've sin moor air on bacon than thaz geet on thi yed
You are going a bit thin on top

Thaz moor chance o gerrin knighted serry
You have little chance of achieving your objectives

Tha favvers tha's sin thi own arse
Do cheer up

If thi wit were shit tha'd be constipated
You are not as funny as you think you are

Ah've sin better yeds on a pint o ale
What a dim so and so you are

When Ah want thi opinion Ah'll pull't chain
Keep your nose out of my business Sir

If brains were a dissease tha'd bi plump-i-fettle
Your no mastermind are you

 

EATING OUT IN WIGAN

Yon steaks as big as a fly's left nacker = The steak is very small in here
Ah wuz fair clemm't = I was rather peckish
Eeza proper tay belly = My friend is very fond of tea
Wheerst petty = Could you direct me to the toilet
Babbies yeds = Steak puddings
Blanket lifters = Baked beans
Prayter cakers = Potato cakes
Doorstep = Thick slice of bread
Feesh = Fish
Stop slavverin = Please keep your mouth from watering
Sawt = Salt
Barm joe = Barm cake 		Yisluv  = I am ready to take your order
Mi bally thinks mi throats cut = I am ready to eat something
Ah cud eight a flock bed = I am extremely hungry
Shape thi-sel = Waiter please act with more celerity
Ah'm o'er-faced = The abundance of food as taken away my appetite
This is gradely jackbit = This is good food
Yon's brunt to a frazzle = The food is burnt
Fotch three cheers = We require three chairs
Pidjin peighs = Black peas
Crusses = Crusts.
Gracie chips = Greasy chips
Owtelse = Do you require anything else

WIGAN ROAD SIGNS


Pedestrian clogdancing
Wigan welcomes southern drivers
Toilets
You are illegally   parked on a   Rugby League Pitch

Last Black Pudding Stop before M6
Beware racing pigeons overhead
Motorist,s beware. Motor cyclist on black peas
Look out for pedestrians with rickets

Beware. Ferrets on heat
Gents please refrain from leaving lavvy board up
You are now entering wigan. Please put your brolly up
Southern Jessies beware. Northern Beer (brewers droop zone)

STOP

Letters to a Lancashire Council
(Not Wigan Council)

The toilet seat is cracked where do I stand

I am writing on behalf of my sink, which is running away from the wall

I am still having trouble with smoke in my built in drawers.

I request your permission to remove my drawers in the kitchen.

Our lavatory seat is broken in half and is now in three pieces.

Can you please tell me when our repairs are going to be done as my wife is about to become an expectant mother.

The toilet is blocked and we cannot bath the children until it is cleared.

Will you please send someone to mend our broken path. Yesterday my wife tripped and fell on it and she is now pregnant.

Our kitchen floor is very damp, we have two children and would like a third, so will you please send someone to do something about it.

Will you please send a man to look at my water. It is a funny colour and not fit to drink.

I woke up this morning and found my water boiling.

This is to let you know that our lavatory seat is broken and we cannot get BBC2.

I want to complain because my name is not on the council’s electrical register.

Will you have the baths manager carry out an investigation as I believe there is to much urine being put into the water.

I wish to tell social services that my husband has been a lot better since the doctor gave him a coarse of apostrophes for his constipation.

It is not right that our council officials should take fact-finding trips to Australia. We can’t afford for them to stay in shallots on the mountainside.