QUICKIES One

Q and A

Q: What doesn't belong in this list? Meat, eggs, wife, or blowjob.
A: Blowjob...You can beat your meat, eggs and wife, but you can't beat a good blowjob.

Q: Why does a penis have a hole in the end?
A: So men can be open minded.

Q: Why does a penis have a hole in the end?
A: So men can get oxygen to their brain.

Q: What's the speed limit of sex?
A: 68, because at 69, you have to turn around.

Q: What do a Rubix cube and a penis have in common?
A: The longer you play with it, the harder it gets.

Q: What does bungee jumping and a hooker have in common?
A: They both cost a hundred buck and if the rubber breaks, you're screwed!!

HE SAID SHE SAID

He said... I don't know why you wear a bra; you've got nothing to put in it.
She said...You wear briefs, don't you?

He said... Do you love me just because my father left me a fortune?
She said...Not at all honey, I would love you no matter who left you the money.

She said...What do you mean by coming home half drunk?
He said...It's not my fault...I ran out of money.

He said... Since I first laid eyes on you, I've wanted to make love to
you in the worst way.
She said...Well, you succeeded.

He said... 'Two inches more, and I would be king'
She said...'Two inches less, and you'd be queen'

On wall in ladies room: 'My husband follows me everywhere'
Written just below it: 'I do not'

Priest... 'I don't think you will ever find another man like your late
husband.'
She said...'Who's gonna look?'

He said... What have you been doing with all the grocery money I gave you?
She said...Turn sideways and look in the mirror.

He said... Let's go out and have some fun tonight.
She said...Okay, but if you get home before I do, leave the hallway light on.

He said... Why don't you tell me when you have an orgasm?
She said...I would, but you're never there.

5 GARY GLITTER JOKES

What was Gary Glitter doing in C&A?
He heard boys pant were half off!

How do you save Gary Glitter from drowning?
Throw him a boy.

What is the difference between Gary Glitter and whiskey?
Nothing, they both come in small tots.

What is the difference between Gary Glitter and a greyhound?
Greyhounds wait for the hares.

What's the difference between Gary Glitter and acne?
Acne waits till you're 13 before it comes on your face.

David Beckham Jokes

What has Posh Spice and the England team got in common?
They both get screwed by David Beckham.

What have a Cartier watch and David Beckham got in common?
Both come in a Posh Box.

What's the difference between David Beckham and Posh Spice?
Posh spice doesn't kickback when taken from behind.

When he got to New York after the match Posh Spice cooked him a special meal including pheasant. David didn't want it as he preferred to get in the jacuzzi. Its not the first time he's thrown the game for an early bath.

What's the difference between David Beckham and a new Airfix model?
One's a glueless kit...

What's the similarity between Val Doonican and David Beckham?
They are both fucking crap singers.

What would David Beckham's name be if he was a Spice Girl?
Waste of Spice.

What have Posh Spice and David Beckham got in common?
They're both fucking crap footballers.

David Beckham walks into a pub.
The barman says "Pint, Dave?"
Beckham replies "No, just a half then I'm off."

Why does Posh Spice always go on top when she and Beckham are having sex?
Beckham can only fuck up.

What do Beckham and Ferrero Rocher have in common?
They both come in posh boxes.

What is the difference between an English tea bag and the English football team??
The tea bag stays in the cup longer!

What do you call a girl with two cunts?
Posh Spice.

FAGGOT JOKES

Three gays are in a spa bath - Suddenly a blob of semen floats to the surface of the spa. They all look at each other and one says to the other two: "Ok, which of you two morons farted?"

A guy came into a bar one day and said to the barman "Give me six double vodkas." The barman says "Wow! you must have had one hell of a day."
"Yes, I've just found out my older brother is gay." The next day the same guy came into the bar and asked for the same drinks. When the bartender asked what the problem was today the answer came back, "I've just found out that my younger brother is gay too!" On the third day the guy came into the bar and ordered another six double vodkas. The bartender said "Jesus! Doesn't anybody in your family like women?"
"Yeah, my wife..."

A group of homosexuals were attending a car-key party. One bet the others that he could recognise the make and model of any car by sticking the ignition key up his arse. The first key he correctly identified as a Ford Escort. The second as a Vauxhall Astra. As a joke, one of the guests got a spark-plug and shoved it up his arse. Immediately he said, "Yes, that's Champion!"

What's the difference between a microwave and a gay man?
Microwaves don't turn your meat brown.

How can you tell when you enter a gay church?
Only half the congregation are on their knees.

When in Greece, how do you separate the men from the boys?
With a crowbar.

What's the leading cause in death with lesbians?
Hair balls.

What is the definition of confusion?
Twenty blind lesbians in a fish market.

What did one gay sperm say to another?
"How do we find an egg in all of this shit?"

Two condoms walking past a gay bar. One says to the other, "Shall we go in and get shitfaced?"

What does GAY stand for?
Got Aids Yet?

What does A.I.D.S. mean?
Anus Injected Death Serum.

What do you call 2 gays in wheelchairs?
Rolaids.

What do you call it when there's two gays on Mars?
A Waste.

What do you call it when all the gays are on Mars?
A good start.

Did you hear about the two gay Irishmen?
Gerald Fitzpatrick and Patrick Fitzgerald.

How about the Queer Lawyer that blew his first case...?
Or the two Queer Judges that tried each other?

What do you call a gay dinosaur?
Megasorass.

What do you call a lesbian dinosaur?
Lickalotopus.

Did you hear about the gay Magician who vanished with a poof?

AIDS:
Another Infected Dick Sucker.

What is the first symptom of AIDS?
A sharp penetrating pain in the arse.

What's the favourite pickup line in a gay bar?
"May I push your stool in?"

What do you call a person with AIDS And leprosy?
Redundant system.

A homosexual walked into a bar and said to the bartender, in a rather feminine voice, "Where is everyone?" The bartender turns to the gay with a scowl and said, "Out the back, hanging a fag." Suddenly, in a very deep masculine voice, the gay replied, "No shit!"

Two gay men decide to have a baby. They mix their sperm, then have a surrogate mother artificially inseminated. When the baby is born, they rush to the hospital. Two dozen babies are in the ward, 23 of which are crying and screaming. One, over in the corner, is smiling serenely. A nurse comes by, and to the gays' delight, she points out the happy child as theirs. "Isn't it wonderful?" Brad exclaims. "All these unhappy children, and ours is so happy." The nurse says, "He's happy now - But just wait until we take the pacifier out of his arse."

1. Q: What do women and condoms have in common?
A: They both spend more time in your wallet than on your dick.

Emoticon (smiley) of the week: (*) - User is mooning (bending over showing bottom)
This Symbol is most often seen on management reports.
Q: Why is diarrhoea hereditory?
A: Because it runs in your jeans.
Q: What happens when you play a country and western record backwards?
A: You get your man back, your dog back and hour home back.
Q: WHat has 90 balls and makes a lot of women sweat?
A: Bingo
There's a new rule for playing chess.
The Bishop can jump anything he likes.
Q: What's brown, smelly and sits on a piano stool?
A: Beethoven's First Movement
Patient: 'Doctor, I've grown a boob on my head. What can I do?'
Doctor: 'Well, you could paint it black and join the police force.'
Three old women were sitting in the park. A man walk past and flashed at them.
Two of the women had a stroke, the other couldn't reach.
Give a man a fish, and you feed him for a day.
Teach a man to fish, and you get rid of him every weekend.
Patient: 'Doctor, Every time I sneeze I have a multiple orgasm'
Doctor: 'Have you taken anything for it.'
Patient: 'Yes, some black pepper'
Q: Whats the difference between a new husband and a new dog?
A: After a year, the dog is still pleased to see you.
Q: What do you get if you cross a Rottweiler with a Labrador?
A: A dog that bites you head off then nicks your toilet roll
Q: Why do elephants have four feet?
A: Because six inches would look silly.
I caught our dog trying to mate with a cabbage the other day
He thought it was a collie.
London's first sperm bank was a total disaster. There were only two potential doners, one missed the tube, and the other came on the bus.
Woman to Friend: "I got a lovely tie for my husband."
Friend: "Wow, I wish I could make a swap like that"
Q: What do a bank and a man have in common?
A: They both loose interest after withdrawal.
Q: What do you call a man with a one inch willy?
A: Justin
Q: Whats big and hairy and sticks out of your husbands pyjamas?
A: Your husbands head.
Q: How many male chauvanists does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None, she can cook in the dark.
Woman to husband: "The doctor says I must have sex at least five times a week"
Husband: "Well, you'd best put me down for two of em."
Woman to Friend: "Is your husband circumcised?"
Friend: "No, he's a complete dick head."
Q: How do you know when a man has had an orgasm?
A: You can hear him snoring.
Bill: "I never made love to my wife before we got married, did you?"
George: "I don't know, what was her maiden name."
A couple split up when she found out that he was into sadism, bestiality and necrophillia.
She told him he was flogging a dead horse.
Q: What goes slurp gobble, slurp gobble, slurp gobble, slurp gobble, slurp gobble ?
A: A turkey with an ice lolly.
A young couple rode down a street on a tandem.
A dog rushed out and threw a bucket of water over them.
The hunchback of Notre Dame went into a bar one day and ordered a double whiskey.
"Bells OK?" the barman asked.
To which the hunchback replied: "Mind your own bloody business."
Woman to Friend: "Was that your husband how let me in?"
Friend: "You don't think I'd hire a butler that ugly do you?"
Husband: "Let's try a new position tonight darling" Wife: "Great - you stand and do the ironing, and I'll lie on the couch farting and belching."
Old mother Hubbard went to the cupboard to get her poor dog a bone, but
when she bent over, Rover took over and gave her a bone of his own.
How do Welshmen find sheep in high grass?
Very, very satisfying.
Why do Scotsmen keep sheep near cliffs?
So they push back harder.
Laugh and the world laughs with you,
Cry and you have to blow your nose
Heaven is where the police are Brittish, the chefs French, the mechanics
German, the lovers Italian, and it is all organized by the Swiss.
Hell is where the police are German, the cooks Brittish, the mechanics
French, the lovers Swiss, and it is all being organized by the Italian.
Q. What do you call a restroom for the physically disabled?
A. A handicrapper.
Q: How many tech support staff does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: "Well, we have an exact copy of your lightbulb right here, and it's working just fine"
Seen on front of shirt: "I've been known to snatch kisses...."
and on the back of shirt: "...and vice versa."
How many end users does it take to change a light bulb?
2, 1 to completly dismantle the fixture and rip the wires out of the wall and the other to call tech support.
The seven dwarves were in the bath and feeling happy.
Happy got out so they started felling Doc instead.
Q: What's the difference between a woman and a computer?
A: When a woman goes down on you, it's foreplay. When your computer goes down on you, you're FUCKED!
Q: What's the similarity between an erect penis and a computer?
A: They'll both stay up as long as you don't fuck with them!
Q: What is 6.9? A: A good thing interrupted by a PERIOD.
Q: Why do women have legs?
A: So they can get from the bedroom to the kitchen.
Q: What's the difference between a woman's track team and a clever bunch of pygmies?
A: Ones a cunning bunch of runts.
Q: What 14 animals can you fit in a pair of pantyhose?
A: 10 Piggies, 2 Calves, 1 Ass, and a Beaver (and a fish that nobody can find).
Beware big tits. Oh, they're great fun now, but after twenty years and three kids, you'll be able to make balloon animals with them. "Forget sex, Deary..... Want me to make you a poodle?"
Q. How can you tell if a doctor is gay?
A. When he does a rectal exam, both his hands are on your shoulders.
Q: What's the difference between a gay man and a refrigerator?
A. The refrigerator doesnt' fart when you take the meat out!
Q: What's the difference between a bad hunter and a constipated owl???
A: One shoots but can't hit!
Q: Why do brides smile as they walk down the aisle?
A: They know they've finally given their last blowjob !
Two nurses in the maternity section: The first says,"Gee, what an ugly boy!"
The second says,"Yeah, and you should have seen the ones we have just thrown into the incinerator."
What do women and Kentucky Fried Chicken have in common?
Once you get past the legs breast and thighs, all you're left with is a smelly box.
Q: What's the diff between OJ and Kentucky Fried Chicken?
A: Kentucky Fried batters their chicks after they kill em.
Q: Know what to call the stuff that collects in the crotch of a woman's panties?
A: Clitty litter.
There are only three kinds of people in this world:
Those who can count, and those who can't!
Q: How do you tell a women's liber?
A: That's a falacy. You can't tell those broads anything.
Q: How can you tell a feminist?
A: {slaming hand on desk} that's not funny!
Q. Why is sex with someone new like a snow snorm?
A. Because you never know how deep it will be or how long it will last.
What can a lifesaver do that a man can't?
Come in five flavors.
Q. Why are men like trains?
A. They always stop before you get off.
Q: How do you get a fat girl into a lift?
A: Grease her hips, and throw in a bar of chocolate.
"What's the difference between a shower curtain and toilet paper?"
"I don't know."
"Oh, so it was you!"
Q: WHY DO FARTS SMELL BAD?
A: So deaf people can enjoy them too.
Q: How do you make 2 pounds of fat attractive?
A: Add a nipple.
Q: What's blue and doesn't fit?
A: A dead epileptic!
Q: Why did the veitnam Veteran Cross the road?
A: You wouldn't know man you weren't there, you wouldn't know!
Q: How many feminists does it take to change a light bulb?
A: "Suck my dick!"
Q. What's the similarity between a lavatory and a cemetery ?
A. When you got to go, you got to go.
The seven dwarves were in the bath and feeling happy.
Happy got out so they started felling Doc instead.
Q: What does a lebian call an open can of tuna in her home?
A: Pot pourri
When a dyslexic Catholic was asked about how he slept last night, he said,
oh, I dreamed of dog.
how do tell if you have a high sperm count?
she has to chew before she swallows.
Q: How many Canadians does it take to change a light bulb?
A: 2
Q: What's the difference between a circus and a sorority ?
A: Ones a cunning array of stunts.
What's the similarity between a Catholic priest and a Christmas tree?
In both balls are ornamental
Why was the ground all white at Custer's Last Stand?
The Indians kept coming & coming & coming....
Why do the girls have two holes so near each other?
- So that you can carry them like a bowling ball
What's common between a fat girl and a moped?
- They're both fun to ride but you don't want to show them to your friends
What is the difference between Wayne Gretsky and Courtney Love?
- Wayne Gretsky showers after 3 periods
How do you know when you've been given a great blow job?
You have to pull the bed sheets out of your ass
Did you hear about the impatient bride?
She came down the aisle?
Did you hear about the sleepy bride?
She couldn't stay awake for a second?
Do you know why blondes smile when there's lightning?
They think a photographer is taking their picture.
What the difference between a group of pigmys and the girl's cross country track team?
One is a cunning bunch of runts...
She was only the minister's daughter.
But you couldn't put anything pastor.
Q: What`s the most common disease in the U.S.A?
A: Alzheimers Bulemia (eating enourmusly and forgetting to puke.)
Have you heard about the new Mike Tyson computer?
It's very fast, has two bites and no memory.
What has four legs and no ears?
Mike Tyson's dog.
Q:What did the after dinner speaker say at a bulemia convention?
A:hey,were's everyone gone?
Q:what do u call a dyke dinasour?
A:alickalotapuss
Q. What's red and green and goes a thousand miles an hour?
A. A frog in a blender.
Q. What do you get when you add milk to the blender?
A. Frog-nog.
Q. What happends when you drink Frog-nog?
A. You croak!
Q. Why did the faggots vote for Clinton in 92?
A: They liked assholes, not BUSH!!
Q : What's the difference between Baptists and Methodists ?
A : Baptists won't wave to each other in the liquor store.
Why are Australians so well balanced?
Because they've a chip on both shoulders.
You know you're Schizophrenic when you get two bills from a shrink.
What's the plural of "dentrifice?"
"Dentrifeces?"
Q: What does a women do with her ass hole before having sex?
A: Drop him off at the golf course.
A woman is talking to her girlfriend, a masochist. She asks her, "Why do you go out with that sadist?" Her friend replied
"beats me."
What's the difference between "unlawful" and "illegal"?
For one you can be arrested; the other's a sick bird.
Then there was the choirboy who asked the nun, "Why do you always dress like a penguin?" She replied, "It's a habit."
Roads scholar
a squirrel that made it all the way across the street.
I asked my old horse how many oats he wanted today and he just raised his tail and said, "Aphewwwww...!
A bachelor has to have inspiration for making love to a woman
a married man needs only an excuse.
And still another who, none too bright, stayed at her corner all day because she heard that men were laying pavement and wanted to see how it was done.
There was a man who painted rabbits all over his bald head.
Claimed they liiked like hares from a distance.
What's six inches long that women love?
Money
Whats the difference between a pig and a fox?
About four drinks.
How do you say Fuck You in Yiddish?
Trust me.
When I die, I want to go quietly--- like Grandfather did, in his sleep---
Not yelling and screaming like those people in his car.
Denial:
A river in Egypt.
Just remember, if you think sex is a pain in the ass,
You're not doing it right.
Remember, A trombone player is the ONLY musician who can ...
achieve success by letting things slide!!!!
How do you make a cat drink?
Put it in a blender.
Whats the difference between a Lawyer and a Carp? One is a bottom feeding,scum sucking scavanger
and the other is a fish!
Curt Gowdy: What do you like better, Astro Turf, or Grass.
Baseball Player: I don't know, I've never smoked Astroturf.
Tourist: Do people often fall off this cliff?
Guide: No sir, once is usually enough.
My love life is so bad that
I carry a picture of my own hand in my wallet.
Why didn't the Israelis listen to Bush?
The last time they listened to a bush, they ended up spending 40 years in the desert!
There were several buzzards around a very bad stink. One of them said.
Boy, this one has been out here a looooong time. Thank God for ketchup.
Kinney Shoes: "We only sell the right shoe!"
Question: Where do you go to get the left shoe?
The three kinds of sex: Bedroom sex:Having sex in the bedroom, house sex:Having sex everywhere in the house, hallway sex:Saying "Fuck you" as you pass them.
Q:What do you call a Russian Wanker?
A: Tossyourcockoff
Q. what is the difference between michael jackson and a plastic bag?
A. ones white, plastic and dangerous to children and the other is a plastic bag.
Q: What do you call a woman with one leg?
A: Ilene
Follow up...
Q:What do you call a Chinese woman with one leg?
A: Irene
Q: How can you tell youre at a bulimic bachelor party?
A: The cake jumps out of the girl
Q: How do you make 5 pounds of fat look good
A: Put nipples on it
Q: Whats the difference between oral sex and anal sex?
A: Oral sex makes your whole day, anal sex makes your hole weak.
Q: How is pubic hair like parsley?
A: You push it to the side before you start eating
If your wife keeps coming out of the kitchen to nag at you, what have you done wrong?
A: made her chain too long
Q: Whats brown and often found in childrens underpants?
A: Michael Jachsons hand
Q: How is a woman like a condom?
A: Both of them spend more time in your wallet than on your dick
Q: What is the similarity between a woman and Kentucky Fried Chicken?
A: By the time youve finished with the breast and thighs, all you have is a greasy box to put your bone in
Q: How are tornadoes like marriage?
A: They both begin with a lot of blowing and sucking, and in the end you loose your house
Q: Why doesnt mexico have an olympic team?
A: because all those who can run, jump and swim are already in America
Q: What do a gynecologist and a pizza delivery boy have in common
A: The can both smell it, but cant eat it
Q: How do you circumcise a hillbilly?
A: Kick his sister in the jaw
Q: Why do women have two sets of lips?
A: so they can piss and moan at the same time
Q: Whats the difference between a bitch and a whore?
A: A whore sleeps with everyone at the party, a bitch sleeps with everyone but you
Q: Whats the difference between Love, True Love and Showing off?
A: Spitting, Swallowing and Gargling
Q: How do yo embarass an archeologist?
A: Give him a used tampon and ask him which period it came from
Q: What did the canibal do after he dumped his girlfriend?
A: Wiped his ass
How can you tell if your wife is dead?
The sex is the same, but he dishes pile up
What do a woman and a washing machine have in common?
They both leak when they are fucked.
What is the difference between a woman and a washing machine?
If you dump your load into a waching machine, it doesn't follow you around for three days.
Q why are there small lumps around nipples
A so blind men can find them
Q: What do you do if a bird shits on your window?
A: Dont take her out again.
Q. What's the difference between Tampax and a mobile phone?
A. One's for arseholes.
Q: How many programmers does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: None - you have a hardware problem.
Q: What's the diference between a pregnant schoolgirl and a lightbulb?
A: You can unscrew a lightbulb.
Q: Why did the woman cross the road?
A: The real question is who let her out of the kitchen in the first place...
Q: How many Microsoft development programmers does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: None - they redefine darkness as the industry standard.
Q: Why was God mad when Eve swam in the sea?
A: He couldn't get the smell out of the fish.
Q: How many Jewish Mommas does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: None - you just go out with your friends and your Momma will just wait here in the dark until you find the time...
Did you hear about the Dyslexic, Agnostic, Insomiac ???
He stayed up all night wondering if there really was a dog.
What has David Beckham got in common with a Rolex watch?
They both come in a posh box
There are 1000 black men and a white man. What do you call the white man?
The Warden
How many Irishmen does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Answer: 5 one to hold the light bulb and 4 to drink until the room spins.
Whats the difference between acne and Michael Jackson?
Acne comes on your face after Puberty.
What do vegetarian worms eat?
Linda McCartney.
What's brown and sticky?
A stick
What do you call a donkey with three legs?
A wonky
Look, the Lord Mayor's Show.
Good lord, so they do.
What do you get with a Gay Dinosaure?
A Megasoreass
Why do women have legs?
So they don't leave snail trails.
What do you tell a woman with 2 black eyes?
Nothing you already told her twice.
What do you do when the dish washer stops working?
Hit her on the back of the head.
how can you tell when your wife is to fat?
when she sits on your face and you can't hear the stereo
Why don't italians have spots?
A. They slide off
Why did Nancy Reagan always get on top?
A. Because Ronnie could only Fuck Up
Q: Why do brides wear white?
A: so that the diswasher matches the refridgerator
Q: What's four foot long and fucks a rabbit?
A: A sledgehammer.
Q: What do you call a dog with no back legs and steel bollocks?
A: Sparky
Q: What is the difference between a woman and a battery?
A: The battery has a positive side
Why have women got legs ?
Have you seen the mess a snail makes !
I started out with nothing,
and I've still got most of it left.
How many psychologists does it take to change a lightbulb?
That isn't important....What does matter is that the light bulb really wants to change.
Whats the difference between an egg and wanking ?
You can beat an egg.
Q. Why haven't women been to the moon yet?
A. It doesn't need cleaning.
JACK BE NIMBLE JACK BE QUICK
JACK BURNED OFF HIS FUCKIN DICK
Q: What do you call a Serbian Prostitute?
A: Slobberdown Mycockyoubitch
Q: Why don't women ski?
A: There's no snow inbetween the fridge and the stove.
Q: why don't women fart ?
A: they can't keep their mouths shut long enough to build up the air pressure
Q: Why was Tigger looking in the toilet?
A: He was trying to find Pooh.
Q: Why did the pervert cross the road?
A: He couldn't get his dick out of the chicken.
Q: What's the difference between a golf ball and a g-spot....?
A: A man will spend hours looking for a golf ball!!!!!
Q. What's the difference between Jill Dando and Danny Baker.
A. Danny Baker survived the DOORSTEP CHALLENGE
Q. what do you say to a blonde with two black eyes A. nothing she's already been told twice
Q. What does it say on an Orange Man's Calender?
January, February, March March March!
Lesbian goes for a smear test,lays back opens her legs. Doctor says "this must be the cleanest cunt i've seen!&Quot; lesbian: "thats because i have a woman in twice a week"
How do you know when your garden has AIDS?
The pansies start dying.
Why do sumo wrestlers shave their legs?
To distinguish themselves from feminists.
Two men see a dog licking his balls. Man 1 says "Wish I could do that!"
Man 2 says, "Want me to hold him down for you?"
How do you circumcise a whale?
Send down four skin divers.
What's the difference between a Jew and an Italian?
The Jew's the one in the Italian suit.
Why did the condom fly across the room?
It was pissed off
Q: Why have'nt they sent a woman to the moon?
A: Because it does'nt need cleaning yet.
Q. Why do you wrap hamsters in duct tape?
A. So they won't explode when you bugger them!
Q. How many men does it take to open a bottle of beer?
A. None - it should be open when she brings it to you.
Q. What's the difference between kinky and perverted sex?
A. Kinky sex uses chicken feathers, perverted sex uses the whole chicken.
Q. What was the name of the man with no arms and legs who was captured by cannibals?
A. Stu.
Q. What was the name of the limbless undertaker?
A. Mort.
Q. What was the name of the limbless woman who was stuck on a fence?
A. Barb.
Q. What was the name of the limbless doorman?
A. Matt
Q. What was the name of the limbless fellow who was run over by a truck (lorry)?
A. Mark
Which came first: the chicken or the egg?
The chicken because eggs can't come.
Why do LIGHTHOUSES blink?
Well, would'nt you if you had crabs on YOUR rocks?
I hear that Gary Glitter is going to Florida for a holiday when he's released,
he's off to Tampa with the kids....
Gary Glitter was on the beach and this woman walks up and says,
Excuse me, do you know your in my Sun
Whats the difference between Gary Glitter and a greyhound
The greyhound waits for the hare to come out before he starts
What is Gary Glitters favorite desert?
Under eight mints
Did you hear about the guy who lost all his left side in that nasty auto accident?
They say he's all right now.
Why do women have small feet?
So they can get nearer the sink
What do you call a Russian with three testicles? hoodyanika bollokof
Why do women have legs?
So they dont leave trails like snails.
Q.What do you do if your wife comes into the living room,and starts to nagging you.
A.Shorten the chain in the kitchin.
Q:How do you brainwash an irishman?
A:Piss in his wellies!
What's the differance between a pickpocket and a peeping Tom.
The pickpocket snatches watches.
2 parrots sat on a perch, one says to the other "can you smell fish?"
Q)How do you make a man happy?
A)Who cares?
Q)What's the difference between a man and a supermarket trolley?
A)The trolley has a mind of its own
Q)What do you call a man with an IQ of 5?
A)Gifted
Q)What's the difference between a woman and and an oven?
A)An oven doesn't fart when you pull your meat out
Q: What would you do if an epileptic was having a fit in the bath?
A: Throw your washing in.
Q: What's the difference between oral and rectal thermometers?
A: The taste
Q: What do you call two black motorcycle cops?
A: Chocolate CHiPs
Q: What's fuzzy and comes in cubes?
A: Fidel Castro
Q: What do you call a poof with diarrhoea?
A: A juicyfruit
Q: How do you stop black children from falling out of bed?
A: Put velcro on the headboard
Q: What is the new Vietnamese cookbook called?
A: 100 ways to wok your dog
Q: What is the ultimate rejection?
A: When you're having a wank and your hand falls asleep
Q: What goes black, red, black, red, black, red, white?
A: A negro having a wank
Q:What is long,moves in & out, and is covered in white cream?...
A: A tooth brush!
How do you stop a baby from drowning?...
Remove your foot!
Q. What do you do when the dishwasher stops working?
A. Give her a slap.
Q:What do you call a woman with no arms and no legs?
A:User-Friendly
Have you heard the one about the jewish doctor who says that circumcision
is no skin off his nose.
What time does Michael Jackson go to bed?
When the big hand touches the little hand.

What is the definition of a blonde?
A redhead with the fire fucked out of her.

What's the difference between a street vendor and a dachshund.
One bawls out it's wares in the street. The other one doesn't.

How do you get a one armed Irish man out of a tree.
Wave to him.

What do you call a politician that has just lost an election?
A consultant.

What did one lesbian frog say to the other? 
They're right, we do taste like chicken!

Another use for used tampons?
Teabags for cannibals.

What's the difference between a pot hole and a politicain?
You'd swerve to miss the pot hole.

What is the definition of a "plick"?
Someone who does a runner from a Chinese restaurant.

What's big and black and comes in a small white box?
Tiny Pinder (the basketball player in jail for picking up young 
underage girls).

What's the difference between Madonna and a Kit Kat?
You only get four fingers in the Kit Kat.

What's the difference between Kylie Minogue and a counterfeit one 
dollar?
One's a phoney buck, the other is a boney...

What's the difference between the pope and a woman in a bath?
One has got hope in the soul, the other has soap in the...

What's the difference between a mountain goat and a goldfish?
The goldfish mucks about the fountain, the goat...

What do you call a boomerang that doesn't come back?
A stick.

What flat and pink and smells of pussy?
Stick your toungue out...

What's black and red and sits in a tree?
A crow with an erection.

Whats red and blue and doesn't like sex very much?  (brace yourself...)
A rape victim.

Definition of agony?
A buck for a fuck and you've only got 99 cents.

How do you give a man/woman a really great orgasm?
Who cares?

What do you call that useless piece of skin that hangs off a man's 
penis?
1) a woman.
2) the rest of the man.

Difference between modern politics and a kindergarten?
Adult supervision.

How do you fuck a really fat chick?
Thow in a hand full of flour and then go for the wet spot.

What's blue and white and sits in a tree?
A fridge in denim jacket.  (running out of ideas, a good one if you're 
stoned)

What's the difference between a pub and a clitoris?
You can find a pub.

Difference between Madonna and the Titanic?
More people have gone down on Madonna.

What do you call a politician driving thru a working class suburb?
Lost.

What's the difference between a vitamin and a hormone?
You can't hear a vitamin.

Why do tampons have strings?
So crabs can go bungie jumping.

Difference between a magician's wand and a policeman's baton?
Once is for cunning stunts, the other is for stunning...

How do you keep the stork from visiting your house?
Shoot it in the air.

What do light and hard have in common?
You can't sleep with a light on either.

What is the similarty between a clitoris and a mobile phone?
They can both be opperated with one finger and every second person has
one.  And there's never one around when you want one...

What's got forty balls and gets old women reeeaallly excited?
Bingo!

What's got forty balls and really fucks a duck?
A shotgun cartridge.

What is the last thing that goes through a bug's mind as it hits your 
car windscreen?
Its arse.

What was the last thing that went through Kurt Cobain's mind when he 
shot himself?
The roof of his mouth.

Why do dogs lick their balls?
Because they can.

What uses a gallon of petrol in 15 seconds and doesn't move ?
A Buddhist monk.

How do you give a woman a really fantastic orgasm?
Who cares?

What's black and brown and looks good on a lawyer?
A Doberman.

"The end is nigh, sin now while you still can!"

What's the difference between acne and Michael Jackson?
Acne comes on your face AFTER puberty.

How do you make a woman scream twice?
Fuck her in the ass, and then wipe your dick on her curtains.

Q: What's grosser than gross?
A: Sticking 12 oysters up your grandmother's cunt and sucking out 13.

How do you reunite The Beatles?
Three more bullets

Why do gay men wear ribbed condoms?
To get better traction in the mud..

What do elephants use for vibrators?
A python with Parkinsons disease..

What do Gays refer to hemorrhoids as?
"speed bumps"..

What did the cannibal do after he dumped his girlfriend?
Wiped his Ass

Q What's a mixed feeling?
A. When you see your mother-in-law backing off a cliff in your new car.

Q.   What's the definition of macho?
A.      Jogging home from your own vasectomy.

Q    What is the difference between a drug dealer and a hooker?
A     A hooker can wash her crack and sell it again.

Q.   What's the difference between a G-Spot and a golf ball?
A.      A guy will actually search for a golf ball.

Q.   Why is divorce so expensive?
A.      Because it's worth it.

Q.   What is a Yankee?
A.      The same as a quickie, but a guy can do it alone.

Q.   What do Tupperware and a walrus have in common?
A.      They both like a tight seal.

Q.   What do a Christmas tree and priest have in common?
A.      Their balls are just for decoration.

Q.   What do you call a lesbian with fat fingers?
A.      Well-hung.

Q: Who is the most popular man at the Nudist Colony?
A: The man who can carry two cups of coffee and 12 donuts.

Q: Who is the most popular woman at the Nudist Colony?
A: The woman who can eat the last two donuts.......

Q: How is a woman like a condom?
A: Both of them spend more time in your wallet than on your dick.

Q: What is the similarity between a woman and Kentucky Fried Chicken?
A: By the time you've finished with the breast and thighs, all you have left is a greasy box to pop your bone in.

Q: How do you make 5 pounds of fat look good?
A: Put a nipple on it.

Q: How is pubic hair like parsley?
A: You push it to the side before you start eating.

Q: What do you call a lesbian dinosaur?
A: Lickalotapuss

Q: What do women and tornadoes have in common?
A: In the beginning they both suck and blow but you just end up losing your house.

Q: What is it when a man talks nasty to a woman?
A: Sexual harassment.
Q: What is it when a woman talks nasty to a man?
A: £1.50 a minute.

Q: Did you hear about the new blonde paint?
A: It's not real bright, but it's cheap, and spreads easy.

Q: What's the difference between a woman with her period and a terrorist?
A: You can negotiate with a terrorist.

Q: Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?
A: Breasts don't have eyes.

Q: What's the definition of the perfect male lover?
A: He makes love until 2 a.m. then turns into chocolate.

Q: What's a blonde's favorite nursery rhyme?
A: Humpme Dumpme.

Q: What's the difference between Hard and Light?
A: You can go to sleep with a light on.

Anal intercourse is for assholes.

I tried phone sex once, but the holes were too small

Sex is a misdemeanor; the more I miss, the meaner I get!

Definition of an orgasm: gland finale.

Would you send your son to a school run by someone who insisted on being called "Headmaster?"

You really have to hand it to the blind prostitute...

A woman participating in a survey was asked how she felt about condoms. She answered, "Depends on what's in it for me."

Did you hear of the new reusable rubbers?
You turn them inside out and shake the fuck out of 'em.

Why did the condom fly across the room?
Because it got pissed off.

I recently saw a condom machine in a toilet which had a "Tested to BritishSafety Standards" sign on it. Underneath someone had scrawled... So was theTitanic!!!

What does Kodak and a condom have in common?
You use both to catch those special moments!!!

When is the best time to wear a condom?
On every conceivable occasion!

What do condoms and coffins have in common?
They both have stiffs in them, but one's coming and one's going.

Do you know why it's called sex?
Because it's easier to spell than Uhhhhh..oooohh...Ahhhhhh....AIIEEEEEEE!!!

What does an Essex girl use for protection during sex?
A bus shelter.

Why do the girls from Essex get confused in the ladies room?
They have to pull their own pants down.

Why do Essex girls have more fun?
Because they don't know any better!

What do you call a smiling Roman with pubic hair between his teeth?
Gladiator! (Glad he ate her)

Do you know what the square root of 69 is?
Ate something. (8.xxxxxxx....)

But do you know what 6.9 is?
A good thing fucked up by a period.

What is 69 squared?
Dinner for 4.

What is 68?
You do me and I owe you one.

What is the meaning of 6.9 for a woman?
69 interrupted by a period!

What has a whole bunch of little balls and screws old ladies?
A bingo machine.

What have you got if you have two fuzzy green balls in the palm of your hand?
Kermit's undivided attention.

What is the difference between erotic sex and kinky sex?
During erotic sex you use a feather, during kinky sex you use the whole chicken.

What is the difference between hard and dark.
It stays dark all night long.

What is the hardest thing about eating a vegetable?
Getting him/her in and out of the wheelchair!

What goes in dry, comes out wet, and gives warm satisfaction?
A teabag.

What is the difference between "Oooh!" and "Aaah!"?
About three inches.

What is six inches long, two inches wide, has a head on it, and women are crazy for it?
Money!!!

What is the difference between a good girl and a nice girl?
A nice girl goes out on a date, goes home, and goes to bed.
A good girl goes out on a date, goes to bed, and then goes home.

It seems that mathematics isn't so impeccable after all! Especially when it comes to sex! Here are some mathematical truisms that didn't quite hold up!

If you are having sex with two women and one more woman walks in, what do you have?
Divorce proceedings, most likely.

If you have two friends and six women, how many women do each of your friends get None.

Is three an odd number?
Not in this day and age.

If a 6-inch penis can attract 10 women, how many women can an 18-inch penis attract Two billion.

If you go to bed 9 hours before you have to wake up, and you wife wants to have 2 hours of sex, how much sleep will you get?
8 hours, 59 minutes - who cares what she wants!

What did the hurricane say to the coconut tree?
Hold on to your nuts, this is going to be a hell of a blowjob!

What do you do in case of fallout?
Put it back in and take shorter strokes!

What did Adam say to Eve?
You'd better stand back, I don't know how big this thing gets.

What's old wrinkled and smells like Ginger Rogers?
Fred Astair's face.

What is green and smells like pork?
Kermit's middle finger.

Why do women have two holes so close together?
In case you miss.

What's natural dental floss?
Pubic hair.

When does a Cub Scout become a Boy Scout?
When he eats his first Brownie.

What is better than a rose on your piano?
Tulips on your organ

What is worse than a dead dog on your piano?
A diseased pussy on your organ.

What should a woman do if a pit bull starts to hump her leg?
Fake an orgasm.

What is better than a cold Bud?
A warm Busch!

Why is life like a penis?
Because when it's soft, it's hard to beat; but when it's hard, you get screwed.

How can you tell if your girlfriend's frigid?
When you open her legs, the lights go on.

What's green and eats nuts?
Herpes!

What does American beer and making love in a small rowing-boat have in common?
They are both fucking close to water!

What is the similarity between British Telecom and Elton John?
They have both been fucked by Mercury.

What did the banana say to the vibrator?
What are you shaking for? I'm the one she's going to eat!

What's the ultimate in rejection?
When you're masturbating, your hand falls asleep.

Why is masturbation better than intercourse for some?
1. You know who you're dealing with.
2. You know when you've had enough.
3. You don't have to be polite afterward.

Why is it good for young boys to read Playboy and Penthouse?
It improves hand-eye coordination.

What's another name for a sex-change operation?
Artificial infemination.

What's the connection between a soya been and a vibrator?
Both are meat substitutes.

What do you call a man with a 1-inch prick?
Justin

What is it that goes in hard and stiff and comes out soft and wet?
Chewing gum.

What are the three words a housewife never wants to here when making love?
Honey, I'm home!

How can you tell if your girlfriend is horny?
You stick your hand down her pants and it feels like you're feeding a horse.

What do female hippos say during sex?
Can I be on top this time?

What do female snails say during sex?
Faster! Faster!

What is the definition of a sadist?
Someone who's kind to a masochist.

What is the definition of indecent?
When it's in long, and it's in hard, and it's in deep, then it's indecent.

Why do men who are bankers make better lovers?
Because they know that there is a substantial penalty for early withdrawal.

What do toys and womens breasts have in common.
They were both originally made for kids, but dad ends up playing with them.

What do spaghetti and women have in common?
They both wiggle when you eat them!

What does a woman and a airplane have in common?
A cockpit.

What is the difference between a hen and a prostitute?
One says cock-ka-doodle-do and the other says any cock will do.

Did you hear about the prostitute who was arrested after she threw her pimp onan escalator?
She said she wanted to see him go down for a change!

What is the difference between a cheap hooker and an elephant?
One rolls on its back for peanuts and the other one lives in a zoo.

What should a woman say as she guides her lover's tongue toward her clitoris?
This bud's for you!

Did you know that 60% of all women are battered?
And I've been eating plain all this time!

Did you hear about the Tempura House?
It's for lightly battered women.

What happens if a woman puts her panties on backwards?
She gets her ass chewed out.

What is the difference between a computer and a woman?
A computer will not laugh at a three-and-a-half-inch floppy.

Who enjoys sex more, the man or the woman?
The woman, of course. Look at it this way. When your ear itches and you put your little finger in it and wiggle it around, what feels better - your finger or your ear?

What is the similarity between cunnilingus and the Mafia?
One slip of the tongue and you are in deep shit.

What is the area between the vagina and the anus called?
A chin rest.

Did you hear about the new "morning after" pill for men?
It changes their blood type.

Did you hear about the male birth control pill?
It's about the size of a marble, you put it in your shoe, and it makes you limp.

If whiskey makes you frisky and gin makes you grin, what makes you pregnant?
Two highballs and a squirt.

How can you tell if your daughter had a good time on her date last night?
Throw her panties against the wall. If they stick, she had a good time.

Did you hear about the new course you can take at school?
Intercourse, you go between periods and you are expected to come.

Did you know there are four different types of orgasms? They are:
The positive orgasm: "Oh yes, Ohh yesss, OH YESSSS!"
The negative orgasm: "Oh no, Ohh nooo, OH NOOO!"
The spiritual orgasm: "Oh god, Ohh goddd, OH GODDD!"
The fake orgasm: "Oh Steve, Ohh Steeeve, OH STEEEEEEEEVE!"

Did you hear about the girl who went fishing with her six male friends?
She came home with a red snapper.

Did you hear about the horny seminary school dropout?
He was looking for a missionary position.

What is Rodeo Sex?
Well, it's where your lady friend is on all fours, you are firmly ensconced from the rear with a breast in each hand, and you say to her, "This is the way your sister likes it too."You have eight seconds to stay in the saddle.

Did you hear about the transexual college student?
He spent his junior year abroad.

Why are brussel sprouts like pubic hair?
You just push them aside and carry on eating.

Why is sex like air?
It's no big thing, unless you aren't getting any.

What is one of the worst things about giving a man a blow job?
The view.

How do you keep a man from wanting sex?
You marry him.

What do most men think Mutual Orgasm is?
An insurance company.

What does a man think foreplay is?
a) It's something that you do on the golf course.
b) It's something that occurs 2 minutes before having sex.

How can you tell if your wife is dead?
Sex is the same but the dishes are stacking up in the sink.

How does a real man know whenever his girlfriend is having an orgasm?
A real man doesn't care.

What is the biggest problem for an atheist?
No one to talk to during orgasm.