11 WARNINGS that should appear on alcohol bottles and over bars

· WARNING: Consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like an asshole.

· WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell the same boring story over and over again until your friends want to SMASH YOUR HEAD IN.

· WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to thay shings like thish.

· WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe that ex-lovers are really dying for you to telephone them at 4 in the morning.

· WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what the hell happened to your pants.

· WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to roll over in the morning and see something really scary (whose species and or name you can't remember).

· WARNING: Consumption of alcohol is the leading cause of inexplicable rug burns on the forehead.

· WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are tougher, handsomer and smarter than some really, really big guy named Zeus.

· WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe you are invisible.

· WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may lead you to think people are laughing WITH you.

· WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause an influx in the time-space continuum, whereby small (and sometimes large) gaps of time may seem to literally "dissapear".

· WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may actually CAUSE pregnancy.

· WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to actually lose your car.

10 Ten Reasons it sucks to be a dick

1. You've got a hole in your head.

2. Your master strangles you all the time.

3. Your head is disproportionate to the rest of your body.

4. You shrink in cold water.

5. You never get a haircut.

6. You always hang around with 2 nuts.

7. Your closest neighbor is an asshole.

8. Your best friend is a pussy.

9. Your scalp gets cut off if you're Jewish.

10 Everytime you get excited, you throw up.

DANGEROUS PICK UP LINES Pick Up Lines That May Get You Killed

1. If you and I were squirrels, could I bust a nut in your hole?

2. I'd like to wrap your legs around my head and wear you like a feed bag.

3. If it's true that we are what we eat, I could be you by morning!

4. How do you like your eggs: poached, scrambled, or fertilized?

5. I was about to go masturbate and I needed a name to go with your face.

6. My love for you is like diarrhea, I just can't hold it in.

7. Roses are red. Violets are blue. I like spaghetti. Let's go fuck.

8. Is that a keg in your pants? 'Cause I would love to tap that ass!

9. If your right leg was Thanksgiving, and your left leg was Christmas, could I meet you between the holidays?

10. You remind me of a championship bass, I don't know whether to mount you or eat you!

11. Your parents must be retarded, because you are special.

12. Could I touch your belly button . . . from the inside?

13. I'm not too good at algebra, but doesn't U+I = 69?

14. How about we play lion and lion tamer? You hold your mouth open, and I'll give you the meat.

15. Guy: "Would you like to dance?"
Girl: "I don't care for this song and surely wouldn't dance with you."
Guy: "I'm sorry, you must have misunderstood me, I said you look fat in those pants"

16. I'm new in town, could I have directions to your house.

17. Fuck me if I'm wrong, but is your name Yolanda?

18. I love every bone in your body - especially mine.

19. You might not be the best looking girl here, but beauty is only a light switch away.

20. Hey baby, what's your sign? Caution, slippery when wet, dangerous curves ahead, yield?

21. I can't find my puppy, can you help me find him? I think he went into this motel room.

22. Wanna play Pearl Harbor?....Its a game where I lay back while you blow the hell out of me.

23. Your body's name must be Visa, because it's everywhere I want to be.

24. Can I buy you a drink, or do you just want the money?

25. I may not be the best looking guy here, but I'm the only one talking to you.

26. That shirt looks very becoming on you, but if I were on you, I'd be coming too.

27. I'd like to screw your brains out, but it appears that someone beat me to it.

28. Oh, I'm sorry, I thought that was a braille name tag.

Types of People who Fart:

VAIN PERSON    :ONE WHO LOVES THE SMELL OF HIS OWN FART
AMBITIOUS       :ALWAYS READY FOR A FART
LAZY               :JUST FIZZLES
AMIABLE          :LIKES TO SMELL OTHER'S FARTS
PROUD             :THINKS HIS FARTS ARE EXCEPTIONALLY PLEASANT
SHY                :BLUSHES WHEN HE FARTS SILENTLY
CARELESS        :FARTS IN CHURCH OR AT GLOW OF LOVE IN THE ROOM
SMART ALEC     :FARTS WHEN LADIES ARE PRESENT
CLEVER            :FARTS AND COUGHS AT THE SAME TIME
SCIENTIFIC       :BOTTLES HIS FARTS
STINGY            :BELCHES TO SAVE HIS BUTT-HOLE
TIMID              :JUMPS WHEN HE FARTS
CONCEITED             :THINKS HE CAN FART THE LOUDEST
UNFORTUNATE         :TRIES TO FART BUT POOPS IN HIS PANTS INSTEAD
FOOLISH             :SUPPRESSES A FART FOR HOURS
BEWILDERED    :CAN'T TELL HIS OWN FART FROM OTHERS
NERVOUS         :STOPS IN THE MIDDLE OF A FART
MISERABLE          :CAN'T FART AT ALL
GROUCHY            :GRUMBLES WHEN LADIES FART
SNEAKY             :FARTS AND THEN BLAMES IT ON SOMEONE ELSE
DISAPPOINTED        :FART DOESN'T SMELL
CHILDISH         :FARTS AND THEN GIGGLES
FRESH GUY     :JUMPS IN FRONT OF YOU AND THEN FARTS
BIG BULLY         :HOLDS YOU DOWN AND THEN FARTS IN YOUR FACE
DUMB             :ENJOYS OTHER FARTS, THINKING THEY ARE HIS OWN
SICK               :SMELLS YOUR FART AND THEN TELLS YOU WHAT YOU WERE EATIN'
DAMNED MEAN      :FARTS AND THEN PULLS THE COVERS OVER HIS WIFE'S HEAD
ATHLETIC          :JUMPS IN THE AIR,FARTS 3 TIMES,AND CLICKS HIS HEELS 3 TIMES
SLOB             :FARTS AND THEN STAINS HIS UNDERWEAR
IMPUDENT         :FARTS OUT LOUD AND THEN LAUGHS
HONEST                :ADMITS HE FARTED BUT OFFERS A GOOD MEDICAL REASON
DISHONEST       :FARTS AND THEN BLAMES IT ON THE DOG
HERMIT           :ONE WHO ALWAYS HAS A FART IN RESERVE
ANTI-SOCIAL           :EXCUSES HIMSELF AND FARTS IN PRIVATE
INTELLECTUAL         :CAN DETERMINE THE SMELL OF HIS NEIGHBOR'S FART
WHIMPY         :FARTS AT THE SLIGHTEST EXERTION
SADIST         :FARTS IN BED AND THEN FLUFFS THE COVERS
SENSITIVE        :FARTS AND THEN STARTS CRYING
AQUATIC           :FARTS IN THE BATH; THEN BREAKS THE BUBBLES WITH HIS TOES
MACHOCHIST              :FARTS IN THE BATH AND TRIES TO BITE THE BUBBLES

politically correct ways to say someone is stupid
A few clowns short of a circus.
A few fries short of a Happy Meal.
An experiment in Artificial Stupidity.
A few beers short of a six-pack.
Dumber than a box of hair.
Doesn't have all his cornflakes in one box.
The wheel's spinning, but the hamster's dead.
All foam, no beer.
The cheese slid off his cracker.
He fell out of the Stupid tree and hit every branch on the way down.
An intellect rivaled only by garden tools.
As smart as bait.
Chimney's clogged.
Doesn't have all his dogs on one leash.
Doesn't know much but leads the league in nostril hair.
Elevator doesn't go all the way to the top floor.
Forgot to pay his brain bill.
Her sewing machine's out of thread.
His antenna doesn't pick up all the channels.
His belt doesn't go through all the loops.
If he had another brain, it would be lonely.
Missing a few buttons on his remote control.
No grain in the silo.
Proof that evolution CAN go in reverse.
Receiver is off the hook.
Several nuts short of a full pouch.
Skylight leaks a little.
Slinky's kinked.
Surfing in Nebraska.
Too much yardage between the goal posts.
how many angels could dance on his head?

Austin Powers Chat up Lines

Lick finger and wipe on her shirt): Let's get you out of these 
wet clothes.

Nice legs...what time do they open?

You've got 206 bones in your body, want one more?

I'm fighting the urge to make you the happiest woman on earth tonight

Wanna play army? I'll lay down and you can blow the hell outta me.

(Look down at your crotch) Well It's not just going to suck 
itself.

You know, if I were you, I'd have sex with me

You. Me. Whipped cream. Handcuffs. Any questions?

Fuck me if I'm wrong, but is your name Helga Titsbottom?

Those clothes would look great in a crumpled heap on my bedroom 
floor.

My name is (name)...remember that, you'll be screaming it later

Hi, I'm Mr. Right. Someone said you were looking for me.

Baby, I'm an American Express lover...you shouldn't go home 
without me.

30 Harsh Things To Say To A Naked Guy ======================================

1. I've smoked fatter joints than that.

2. Ahhhh, it's cute.

3. Why don't we just cuddle?

4. You know they have surgery to fix that.

5. Make it dance.

6. Can I paint a smiley face on it?

7. Wow, and your feet are so big.

8. It's OK, we'll work around it.

9. Will it squeak if I squeeze it?

10. Oh no... a flash headache.

11. (giggle and point)

12. Can I be honest with you?

13. How sweet, you brought incense.

14. This explains your car.

15. Maybe if we water it, it'll grow.

16. Why is God punishing me?

17. At least this won't take long.

18. I never saw one like that before.

19. But it still works, right?

20. It looks so unused.

21. Maybe it looks better in natural light.

22. Why don't we skip right to the cigarettes?

23. Are you cold?

24. If you get me real drunk first.

25. Is that an optical illusion?

26. What is that?

27. It's a good thing you have so many other talents.

28. Does it come with an air pump?

29. So this is why you're supposed to judge people on personality.

30. I guess this makes me the early bird.

Male Chauvinistic Jokes

1. Why did God create woman?
To carry semen from the bedroom to the toilet.

2. If the dove is the bird of peace, what is the bird of true love?
The swallow

3. How do you annoy your girlfriend during sex?
Phone her.

4. Why do women fake orgasms?
Because they think men care.

5. What is the definition of "making love"?
Something a woman does while a guy is fucking her.

6. What should you do if your girlfriend starts smoking?
Slow down and use a lubricant.

7. What's the difference between oral sex and anal sex?
Oral sex makes your day, anal sex makes your hole weak [whole week..!]

8. How many male sexists does it take to change a lightbulb?
None, let the bitch cook in the dark.

9. Why does the bride always wear white?
Because it is good for the dishwasher to match the stove and refrigerator..

10. What do you say to a woman with 2 black eyes?
Nothing, she's been told twice already.

11. How many men does it take to open a beer?
None. It should be opened by the time she brings it in.

12. If your wife keeps coming out of the kitchen to nag at you, what have you done wrong?
Made her chain too long.

13. How are fat girls and mopeds alike?
They're both fun to ride until your friends find out.

14. How is a woman like a condom?
Both of them spend more time in your wallet than on your dick.

15. Why does a bride smile when she walks up the aisle?
She knows she's given her last blow job.

16. What's the difference between a bitch and a whore?
A whore sleeps with everyone at the party and a bitch sleeps with everyone at the party except you.

17. What's the difference between love, true love, and showing off?
Spitting, swallowing, and gargling.

18. Do you know why they call it the Wonder Bra?
When you take it off you wonder where her tits went.

19. How do you make 5 pounds of fat look good?
Put a nipple on it.

10 Things People Would Do If They Swapped Genders

Top ten things men would do if they woke up and had a vagina for a day:
10. Immediately go shopping for zucchini and cucumbers.
9. Squat over a hand-held mirror for an hour and a half.
8. See if they could finally do the splits.
7. See if it's truly possible to launch a ping pong ball 20 feet.
6. Cross their legs without rearranging their crotch.
5. Get picked up in a bar in less than 10 minutes...BEFORE closing time.
4. Have consecutive multiple orgasms and still be ready for more without sleeping first.
3. Go to the gynecologist for a pelvic exam and ask to have it recorded on video.
2. Sit on the edge of the bed and pray for breasts too.
And, the NUMBER ONE thing men would do if they woke up with a vagina...
1. Finally find that damned G-spot.

Top ten things women would do if they woke up and had a penis for a day:
10. Get ahead faster in the corporate world.
9. Get a blow job.
8. Find out what is so fascinating about beating the meat.
7. Pee standing up while talking to other men at a urinal.
6. Determine WHY you can't hit the bowl consistently.
5. Find out what it's like to be on the other end of a surging orgasm.
4. Touch yourself in public without thought as to how improper it may seem.
3. Jump up and down naked with an erection to see if it feels as funny as it looks.
2. Understand the scientific reason for the light refraction which occurs between a man's eyes and the ruler situated next to his member which causes two inches to be added to the final measurement.
And, the NUMBER ONE thing women would do if they woke up with a penis...
1. Repeat number 9.

Memorandum

TO: All employees
FROM: The boss
DATE: August 3, 2000
RE: Foul Language

It has been brought to management's attention that some individuals throughout the company have been using foul language during the course of normal conversation with their coworkers. Due to complaints received from some employees who are easily offended, this type of language will be no longer tolerated. We do, however, realize the critical importance of being able to accurately express your feelings when communicating with coworkers. Therefore, a list of new phrases has been provided so that proper exchange of ideas and information can continue in an effective manner without risk of offending our more sensitive employees.

TRY SAYING: Perhaps I can work late.
INSTEAD OF: When the fuck do you expect me to do this?

TRY SAYING: I'm certain that is not feasible.
INSTEAD OF: No fucking way!

TRY SAYING: Really?
INSTEAD OF: You've got to be shitting me.

TRY SAYING: Perhaps you should check with . . .
INSTEAD OF: Tell someone who gives a shit.

TRY SAYING: Of course I'm concerned.
INSTEAD OF: Ask me if I give a shit.

TRY SAYING: I wasn't involved in the project.
INSTEAD OF: It's not my fucking problem.

TRY SAYING: That's interesting.
INSTEAD OF: What the fuck?

TRY SAYING: I'm not sure I can implement this.
INSTEAD OF: Fuck it, it won't work.

TRY SAYING: I'll try to schedule that.
INSTEAD OF: Why the hell didn't you tell me sooner?

TRY SAYING: Are you sure this is a problem?
INSTEAD OF: Who the fuck cares?

TRY SAYING: He's not familiar with the problem.
INSTEAD OF: He's got his head up his ass.

TRY SAYING: So you weren't happy with it?
INSTEAD OF: Kiss my ass.

TRY SAYING: I'm a bit overloaded at this moment.
INSTEAD OF: Fuck it, I'm on salary.

TRY SAYING: I don't think you understand.
INSTEAD OF: Shove it up your ass.

TRY SAYING: I love a challenge.
INSTEAD OF: This job sucks.

TRY SAYING: You want me to take care of that?
INSTEAD OF: Who the hell died and made you boss?

TRY SAYING: I see.
INSTEAD OF: Bite me.

TRY SAYING: Yes, we really should discuss it.
INSTEAD OF: Another fucking meeting?

TRY SAYING: I don't think this will be a problem.
INSTEAD OF: I really don't give a shit.

TRY SAYING: He's somewhat insensitive.
INSTEAD OF: He's a fucking prick.

TRY SAYING: She's an aggressive go-getter.
INSTEAD OF: She's a ball-busting bitch.

TRY SAYING: I think you could use more training.
INSTEAD OF: What the fuck are you doing?

THE F WORD

FUCK: Our most versatile word. By its stress and inflection, it can describe many emotions - no other word can be used with so many grammatical nuances. It can be used as a noun (I don't give a fuck), as an adjective (it's a fucking beauty), as a verb in its transitive form (the game was fucked up by the weather) and in its intransitive form (he well and truly fucked it up), in the past tense (I was fucked), the present tense (I am fucked) and in the future tense (well I'll be fucked!). Many everyday expressions show its versatility.

Denial:	I didn't fucking do it!
Perplexity:	I know fuck all about it.
Apathy:	Who gives a fuck anyway?
Greetings:	How the fuck are you?
Suspicion:	Who the fuck are you?
Resignation:	Oh fuck it.
Derision:	He fucks everything up.
Panic:	Let's get the fuck out of here!
Directions:	Fuck off.
Disbelief:	How the fuck did you do that?

The word has been used by some very notable people throughout history, the more well known being:

"What the fuck was that?"	The Mayor of Hiroshima.
"Look at all those fucking Indians!"	General Custer.
"Where the fuck's all that water coming from?"	Captain of the Titanic.
"That's not a real fucking gun!"	John Lennon.
"The fucking throttle's stuck!"	Donald Campbell.
"Who's gonna fucking know?"	President Nixon.
"Heads are going to fucking roll!"	Anne Boleyn.
"Who let that fucking woman drive?"	Challenger's Captain.
"Watch him, he'll have some fucker's eye out."	King Harold.
"I thought I could smell fucking petrol!"	Nikki Lauda.
"What fucking map?"	Mark Thatcher.
"She's just a fucking secretary."	Cecil Parkinson.
"Any fucker can understand that."	Einstein.
"It fucking looks like her!"	Picasso.
"What fucking log?"	Richard Branson.
"What the fuck do you mean I'm forever blowing Bubbles?"	Michael Jackson.
"How the fuck do you work that out?	Pythagoras.
"You want WHAT on the fucking ceiling?"	Michaelangelo
"You can say what you lucking fike."	Professor Spooner.
"Fuck a duck"	Walt Disney.
"Why? Because it's fucking there!"	Edmund Hilary.
"I didn't want to fucking go anyway."	Seb Coe.
"Just as fucking well."	Peter Elliot.
"I don't suppose it's fucking raining?"	Joan of Arc.
"What a way to make a fucking living!"	Cynthia Payne.
"Who gives a fuck what it's name is?"	Queen Elizabeth II
"I haven't got a fucking clue."	Miss Marple.
"Scattered showers, my fucking arse!!"	Noah.

Ever Wondered...

Did you ever stop to wonder what would happen if your dog's name was Mypenis?

	Mypenis ate my homework.
	Oh, no! Mypenis is frothing at the mouth!
	Sorry I'm late. I was playing with Mypenis.
	I'm sorry, Officer. I didn't realize I had to keep Mypenis on a leash.
	Mypenis doesn't come when I call it.
	Mypenis likes to crawl between the legs of guests.
	I love giving Mypenis a bath.
	At night, I sleep with Mypenis in my hands.
	Mypenis likes it when people pet him.
	Mypenis needs to get more exercise. He weighs over fifty pounds! me(Rob)
	Playing with Mypenis really wears me out.
	Would you like to see a picture of Mypenis?
	Sometimes I wake up, and Mypenis is already active.
	I think Mypenis has a mind of its own.
	I keep a picture of Mypenis in my wallet.
	Whenever I get lost, Mypenis points me in the right direction.
	I think Mypenis is getting old because he won't get excited anymore. He just plays dead.
	Mypenis got out last night. I think he's sleeping with the lady next door.
	If Mypenis was a weinerdog, he would be long and hairy and hard to carry.
	Mypenis loves to chase pussies in dark alleys.
	Help! I can't find Mypenis!
	Sorry to be driving so slow, officer, but I was looking for Mypenis.
	Mypenis gets excited whenever the mailman comes.
	Sorry to be driving so fast, officer. I have to take Mypenis to the hospital.
	Oh. no! Something bit Mypenis!

THE SHIT LIST!

THE GHOST SHIT
The kind where you feel shit come out, see shit on the toilet paper, but there's no shit in the bowl.

THE CLEAN SHIT
The kind where you feel shit come out, see shit in the bowl, but there's no shit on the toilet paper.

THE WET SHIT
You wipe your ass fifty times and it still feels unwiped. So you end up putting toilet paper between your ass and your underwear so you don't ruin them with those dreadful skid marks.

THE SECOND WAVE SHIT
This shit happens when you've finished, your pants are up to your knees, and you suddenly realise you have to shit some more. Sometimes known as the "BUS SHIT", as if you wait a few minutes another one comes along.

THE BRAIN HAEMORRHAGE THROUGH YOUR NOSE SHIT
Also known as "Pop a Vein in your Forehead Shit". You have to strain so much to get it out that you turn purple and practically have a stroke.

THE CORN SHIT
This is where you have eaten some sweetcorn, and miraculously it has reformed into the cob.

THE LOG SHIT
The kind of shit that's so enormous you are afraid to flush it down without first breaking it up into little pieces with the toilet brush.

THE NOTORIOUS DRINKER SHIT
The kind of shit you have the morning after a long night of drinking. It's most noticeable trait is the tread mark left on the bottom of the toilet bowl after you flush.

THE "GEE, I REALLY WISH I COULD SHIT" SHIT-
The kind where you want to shit, but even after straining your guts out, all you can do is sit on the toilet, cramped and farting.

THE WET CHEEKS SHIT
Also known as the "POWER DUMP". That's the kind that comes out of your ass so fast that your butt cheeks get splashed with the toilet water.

THE LIQUID SHIT
That's the kind where yellowish-brown liquid shoots out of your butt, splashes all over the side of the toilet bowl and, at the same time, chronically burns your tender poop-chute.

THE INDIAN FOOD SHIT
A class all its own.

THE CROWD PLEASER
This shit is so intriguing in size and/or appearance that you have to show it to someone before flushing.

THE MOOD ENHANCER
This shit occurs after a lengthy period of constipation, thereby allowing you to be your old self again.

THE RITUAL
This shit occurs at the same time each day and is accomplished with the aid of a newspaper.

THE GUINNESS BOOK OF RECORDS SHIT
A shit so noteworthy it should be recorded for future generations.

THE AFTERSHOCK SHIT
This shit has an odour so powerful than anyone entering the vicinity within the next 7 hours is affected.

THE "HONEYMOON'S OVER" SHIT
This is any shit created in the presence of another person.

THE GROANER
A shit so huge it cannot exit without vocal assistance.

THE FLOATER
Characterised by its floatability, this shit has been known to resurface after many flushings.

THE RANGER
A shit which refuses to let go. It is usually necessary to engage in a rocking or bouncing motion, but quite often the only solution is to push it away with a small piece of toilet paper.

THE PHANTOM SHIT
This appears in the toilet mysteriously and no one will admit to putting it there.

THE PEEK-A-BOO SHIT
Now you see it, now you don't. This shit is playing games with you. Requires patience and muscle control. Also known as "THE HOMESICK POO", as it doesn't want to leave 'home'

THE BOMBSHELL
A shit that comes as a complete surprise at a time that is either inappropriate to shit (ie. during lovemaking or a root canal) or you are nowhere near shitting facilities.

THE SNAKE CHARMER
A long skinny shit which has managed to coil itself into a frightening position - usually harmless. Sometimes known as the " ICE CREAM VAN SHIT" due to the way it is laid down.

THE OLYMPIC SHIT
This shit occurs exactly one hour prior to the start of any competitive event in which you are entered and bears a close resemblance to the "DRINKER'S SHIT".

THE BACK-TO-NATURE SHIT
This shit may be of any variety but is always deposited either in the woods or while hiding behind the passenger side of your car.

THE PEBBLES-FROM-HEAVEN SHIT
An adorable collection of small turds in a cluster, often a gift from God when you actually CAN'T shit.

PREMEDITATED SHIT
Laxative induced. Doesn't count.

SHITZOPHERENIA
Fear of shitting - can be fatal!

ENERGIZER vs DURACELL SHIT
Also known as a "STILL GOING" shit.

THE SURPRISE SHIT
This is where you go to fart, and this one pops out.

THE LIQUID PLUMBER SHIT
This kind of shit is so big it plugs up the toilet and it overflows all over the floor. (You should have followed the advice from "THE LOG SHIT".)

THE SPINAL TAP SHIT
The kind of shit that hurts so much coming out, you'd swear it's got to be coming out sideways.

THE "I THINK I'M GIVING BIRTH THROUGH MY ASSHOLE" SHIT
Similar to the Lincoln Log and The Spinal Tap Shits. The shape and size of the turd resembles a tall boy beer can. Vacuous air space remains in the rectum for some time afterwards.

THE PORRIDGE SHIT
The type that comes out like toothpaste, and just keeps on coming. You have two choices: (a) flush and keep going, or (b) risk it piling up to your butt while you sit there helpless.

THE "I'M GOING TO CHEW MY FOOD BETTER" SHIT
When the bag of Doritos you ate last night lacerates the insides of your rectum on the way out in the morning.

THE "I THINK I'M TURNING INTO A BUNNY" SHIT
When you drop lots of cute, little round ones that look like marbles and make tiny splashing sounds when they hit the water.

THE "WHAT THE HELL DIED IN HERE?" SHIT
Also sometimes referred to as The Toxic Dump. Of course you don't warn anyone of the poisonous bathroom odour. Instead, you stand innocently near the door and enjoy the show as they run out gagging and gasping for air.

THE "I JUST KNOW THERE'S A TURD STILL DANGLING THERE" SHIT
Where you just sit there patiently and wait for the last cling-on to drop off because if you wipe now, it's going to smear all over the place.

THE BOSTON STRANGLER
Try as you might, the damn thing won't snap off. This is the more serious version of the "I JUST KNOW THERE'S A TURD STILL DANGLING THERE"

When Someone Says: "You don't know Jack Schitt...."
Now you can tell them, "Yes! I do!"

Jack Schitt is the only son of O. Schitt and Awe Schitt. O. Schitt, the fertiliser magnate, married Awe Schitt, who later ran the Knee-deep Inn.

Jack Schitt eventually married Noe Schitt, and together they produced six children.

Holy Schitt, their first child, passed on shortly after birth. Next came twin sons: Deep Schitt and Dip Schitt, and then two daughters: Fulla Schitt and Giva Schitt. Their final child, another son, was named Bull Schitt.

In the meantime, Deep Schitt married Dumb Schitt, a high school dropout.

Dip Schitt married Lotta Schitt, and they have a son: Chicken Schitt.

Fulla Schitt and Giva Schitt married the Happens Brothers.

The Schitt-Happens children are Dawg Schitt, Byrd Schitt, and and Horace Schitt.

Bull Schitt just married a spicy number, Pisa Schitt, and they're awaiting the arrival of Baby Schitt.

So now you not only know Jack Schitt, but his entire family as well....

The Guide to Taking a Dump at Work
Everything you've always wanted to know...but where afraid to ask!

Escapee -- A fart that slips out while taking a leak at the urinal or forcing poop in a stall. This is usually accompanied by a sudden wave of panic/embarrassment. This is similar to the hot flash you receive when passing a police car while speeding. If you release an escapee, do not acknowledge it. Pretend it did not happen. If you are standing next to the farter at the urinal, pretend that you did not hear it. No one likes an escapee, it is uncomfortable for all involved. Making a joke or laughing makes both parties feel uneasy.

Jailbreak (Used in conjunction with escapee) -- When forcing poop, several farts slip out at a machine gun's pace. This is usually a side effect of diarrhea or a hangover. If this should happen do not panic, remain in the stall until everyone has left the bathroom so to spare everyone the awkwardness of what just occurred.

Courtesy Flush -- The act of flushing the toilet the instant the nose cone of the log hits the water and the poop is whisked away to an undisclosed location. This reduces the amount of air time the poop has to stink up the bathroom. This can help you avoid being caught doing the WALK OF SHAME.

Walk of Shame -- Walking from the stall, to the sink, to the door after you have just stunk-up the bathroom. This can be a very uncomfortable moment if someone walks in. As with all farts, it is best to pretend that the smell does not exist.

Out of the Closet Pooper -- A colleague who poops at work and is damn proud of it. You will often see an Out of the Closet Pooper enter the bathroom with a newspaper or magazine under their arm. Always look around the office for the Out of the Closet pooper before entering the bathroom.

Pooping Friends Network -- A group of coworkers who band together to ensure emergency pooping goes off without incident. This group can help you to monitor the whereabouts of OUT OF THE CLOSET POOPERS and identify SAFE HAVENS.

Safe Haven -- A seldom-used bathroom somewhere in the building where you can least expect visitors. Try floors that are predominantly of the opposite sex. This will reduce the odds of a pooper of your sex entering the bathroom.

Turd Burgler -- A pooper who does not realize that you are in the stall and tries to force the door open. This is one of the most shocking and vulnerable moments that occur when work taking a dump at work. If this occurs, remain in the stall until the TURD BURGLAR leaves. This way, you will avoid all uncomfortable eye contact.

Camo-cough -- A phony cough which alerts all new entrants into the bathroom that you are in a stall. This can be used to cover-up a WATERMELON or to alert potential TURD BURGLARS. Very effective when used in conjunction with an ASTAIRE.

Astaire -- A subtle toe-tap that is used to alert potential TURD BURGLARS that you are occupying a stall. This will remove all doubt that the stall is occupied. If you hear an ASTAIRE, leave the bathroom immediately so the pooper can poop in peace.

Watermelon -- A turd that creates a loud splash when hitting the toilet water. This is also an embarrassing incident. If you feel a WATERMELON coming on, create a diversion. See CAMO-COUGH.

Havana Omelette -- A load of diarrhea that creates a series of loud splashes in the toilet water. Often accompanied by an escapee. Try using a CAMO-COUGH with an ASTAIRE.

Uncle Ted -- A bathroom user who seems to linger around forever. Could spend extended lengths of time in front of the mirror or sitting on the pot. An UNCLE TED makes it difficult to relax while on the crapper, as you should always wait to drop your load when the bathroom is empty. This benefits you as well as the other bathroom attendees.

Fly-by -- The act of scouting out a bathroom before pooping. Walk in, check for other poopers. If there are others in the bathroom, leave, and come back again. Be careful not to become a FREQUENT FLYER. People may become suspicious if they catch you constantly going into the bathroom.

Crack Whore -- A crapper that has seen more ass than a Greyhound Bus. Tell- tale signs of a CRACK WHORE include pubes, piss stains and shit streaks. Avoid CRACK WHORES at all cost. Try finding out when the janitor cleans each particular bathroom. Don't forget, a CRACK WHORE can become a SAFE HAVEN.